Is it too late to say I overestimated my own abilities and now I’m stuck in another state with four classes and a thesis and I don’t even know how to do homework anymore? Too late for all these problems to magically float away in the 20 minutes I have to sit down and write this? I have no idea what I’m doing. Like, whether I’m dropping classes or adding classes, or attempting not to fail the ones I have now…I’m completely lost. I used to be capable. I could do things. I could write papers and read my homework assignments, I could even sit through an entire 45 minute class, even the 2 hour classes, without having to get up and stretch. People stare at you. Try it, try standing up in a room with 15 to 35 people in it, listening to a lecture, and see what happens. Even if your in the very back of the room, right next to the wall. People sense that someone is moving, their peripheral vision notices you standing in the corner of their eye, and then their head automatically turns to follow it. Of course you can’t blame them, I mean you stared at people whenever they did something remotely different. It was really more of an instinct anyway, cautiously surveying the room, making sure everything was normal, paying minimal attention to the lecture. But it’s different when you have to stand up every twenty minutes, in every class. It’s worse. Maybe it’s just my first day of school fears, or maybe I can’t stand this. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going, I hardly know much of anything anymore. I don’t like making decisions, but I have to make some, and I feel like I’ll be suffering the results of those choices for the next few months.

Being physically weak and trying to be strong emotionally. Being strong emotionally by turning yourself into a rock. Feeling broken and inadequate for the world you face, for today, for tomorrow. Needing help and not knowing where to go. Crying as if though you just have something in your eye, hiding the weakness.

Seeing that the only real problem is that you have to stand up every twenty minutes. Not recognizing the other problems.

I don’t know if I can do this.


About writingcatherine

This started as a documentation of my adventures in Europe...but hey, life's an adventure in itself.
This entry was posted in The Surgery Story - Chiari Malformation. Bookmark the permalink.

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