Ever since my operation I’ve been taking little steps and being all happy about it, and then seeing how far away I am from being back to normal and crying about it. When I was in the ICU I was happy I was finally able to drink water again. When they moved me out I felt morally defeated because I couldn’t sit upright in a chair without using every possible muscle to keep me from falling over as my entire body trembled.
Back at home I’m elated when I realize I can walk an awful lot by myself, and I don’t even need my cane, but then when my pain medications wear off I terrify myself over whether I will ever be independent enough to spend January through May on my own, without my family, without people who will just take care of me despite how rude and stubborn and unreasonable I may be.
I have 3 more months to become a normal college student again, 3 months to gain back my independence and become as mobile as possible. 3 months until I start the last semester of my college career, and face every sort of independence that comes with it. 3 months until I start the journey to facing the world on my own…and I can barely make myself a turkey sandwich.
My solace lies in my family, my friends, and my God. I’m sure I’ll be healthy enough for studying and climbing the hills of my college campus again in 3 months…Right? I can only hope, pray, and will it.
…That and actually following my doctors’ advice.