126 Days

126 Days until a new year, 139 until the start of my last semester of college.
Right now I am really missing, and perhaps glorifying my school in my mind. How could I not, with the summer that I had and the high hopes that a new year at school brings?
Being able to talk to my friends, even though they are far away, gives me a little hope…maybe I will be able to survive.

It’s pretty painful to have nothing to do and nowhere to go, and no purpose for so long. At school you have classes, and possibly a part time job, and that whole “living on your own thing” to figure out.
Right now, I’m just waiting.

I had a Spanish professor…Oh wait, a theology professor would make more sense, especially as I continue to reflect on this particular memory, and it was only a high school teacher, but professor sounds better…Anyway, I had a professor who told us a story once (now I really feel like I am just making this up from scraps of memories…) about a boy, who was waiting to start school. Then, once he started school, he was waiting to start high school. Then he was waiting to graduate high school and go on to college. Once he was in college, he couldn’t wait to get out and get a job to earn money. Once he graduated and got a job, he was rushing to find the perfect girl to marry and have a family with. He found her, and then they got married and had children, and then he couldn’t wait until he could retire and stop working. Then once he retired, he was waiting to die. And then he died. There was some bit about him going on to heaven and talking to God about his life I think, but I don’t remember it. I also think I retold the story wrong.

The point was, his whole life he was just waiting to rush on to the next thing to have it finished and done with, and he was never stopping to enjoy what he had. It was something about how, we shouldn’t keep waiting for our life to happen, because this is our life. What is happening right now is important and is our life, and it’s just as important as whatever the next thing we are trying to get to is and will be. The present is important.

At this moment in my life, all I’m doing is waiting. I can’t enjoy the present because all I want to do is be in the future. Back at school. Back on my own. Back gaining independence and “living my life”.

Meanwhile, the time I have with my family at home, the chance to rest and focus on other things, slips away as I refuse to let go of my focus on the future.

The problem is, apparently, I am alive right now and supposed to be where I am doing, more or less, what I am now doing. I know this because I can’t be doing anything other than what I am.

Okay, that was a bit convoluted.

I mean, I’ve reached another one of those spaces in my life, where all I want to do is hurry it up and move on to the next thing. So somehow, I have to figure out how to live for now, and not focus on the future that doesn’t exist, or the past that won’t come back.

There are 126 Days of this year left. But if I keep focusing on that I won’t live out today, or any of them. I’ll just keep waiting for the next day to come and go.

Today then, Day 1 of 1: living in the present, enjoying the splendor, possibilities, and happiness of today, and being the best person I can be.

                                                                                                              – Catherine

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About writingcatherine

This started as a documentation of my adventures in Europe...but hey, life's an adventure in itself.
This entry was posted in The Surgery Story - Chiari Malformation. Bookmark the permalink.

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